Secrets (and Lies) Don't Make Friends

And they don't make good sherpa/stage managers either, although I suspect that our stalwart Gerald was under the influence of Mssrs. Scott Richardson and The Scott when he chose to lie to Gregory and me tonight, cruelly leading us to believe that three of our tour participants were Fringe Festival adjudicators.
We only found out the truth when our apprentice, Travis, came clean about the situation.

It seems Gerald's act of treachery was necessary in order to "Bring Us Together" and "Rally" us. But all it did was plant yet another seed of deceit in what is supposed to be a good-hearted, socially resposible, inspirational piece of perambulatory instruction.

How can we expect our attendees to trust us, when we can't even trust the artistic team and/or the production staff of our own tour?

Gerald, Scott, The Scott: How can you justify the hypocrisy of coercing these poor folks into lying for you, while our mission at WALK! With Gregory Deetz and Muffy Laguardia is to encourage them to open their hearts and bare their souls to the streets of New York City?!

Also, you made us look totally stupid! Easily fooled, IN FRONT OF OUR TOUR GROUP!

And why do we even care about the effing Fringe Festival anymore anyway, Gregory? It's, like, so irrelevant.

Anyway, I think I speak for both Gregory and myself when I say WE GET THE POINT. We'll try to put our recently-unearthed personal problems aside, for now. The important thing is that WALK! With Gregory Deetz and Muffy Laguardia walk on.

Travis, I hope the burden of Gerald's deception did not detract too much from your experience with last night's tour. Thank you for your brutal honesty.

Let's all try to keep it real from now on, okay?

Read Gregory's Blog

Listen, you'd be reduced to writing lame haiku too, if your collaborator and best pal wrote a summation of the weekend's events as magnificently as Gregory did on her own blog. She may not be a stickler for grammar or spelling, but her prose has undeniable Soul. BTW, Greg? the squaredance already feels like something from a bygone era. Thanks anyway for your kind words about my 8/5 entry.

No haiku for the earlybird

Travis always late
Well okay it was just twice
Out of two tours though

You threw your arms up
Upset you could not join us
We wanted to cry

You have the same wrists
I hope this does not seem weird
As someone I know

Mullet crosses street
We are sad to see it go
You charmed everyone

You can have a lisp
Or well whatever that is
We think it is cool

Please don't be tardy
Maybe shoot for six-thirty
Travis please be there

Something for my solo act

(Gregory, I thought your choreography and harmonica playing were brilliant. I'm surprised you didn't fight harder.)

Dear Readers,
Our country-music-inspired production number, a squaredance dealing with Sidewalk Dynamics, was permanently cut from the tour last night. I'm sharing the lyrics with you even though I am woefully aware that, without their catchy accompaniment, (sp?) they lose a great deal of their magic.

REFRAIN:
Don't parade please, Don't blockade
Bossy Bulls just won't do
Learn to rock the sidewalk
The world will open up to you!

There once was a chick obsessed with her ass
And every time a store window she would pass
She'd turn to catch a glimpse of butt
To see if her jeans were the right cut
But there are a lot of windows 'round here
So many chances to look at your rear!
And each time her head would swivel so
Her legs and body would continue to go
And so of course she wasn't aware
When she smacked into a child and his au pair
The kid was fine, but his sitter, maimed
Our rubbernecking friend deserved the blame!

No one should have shed a tear
Don't ever try to use a window as a mirror
And most of all, won't you please make sure
Your head and body aren't perpendicular

REFRAIN

I know a dude
Regardless of mood
He barrels through the sidewalk with a bad attitude
His chest and head are AWOL from struggling legs
It's clear the world's a round hole and he's a peg.
He charges through the anonymous crowd
And his cellphone conversation is extremely loud!
If you're not careful he'll mow you down
Steer clear of The Bull when you're out on the town
And tell your granny not to wear red
This scary speeding torso might knock her dead
The Bull and The Rubbernecker, what a pair!
But witness those Bobbleheads over there...

Up and down go their bungling pates
Now the sidewalk's really in dire straits!
From skyline to map to a freaky punk
We know there're lots of stimuli but bobbling's junk!

REFRAIN X 2

Like Hogwarts, but with more emphasis on walking tours

Please don't get me wrong, I couldn't POSSIBLY ask for a greater privilege than to spend each moment of every day and night plotting out and rehearsing for our upcoming "Theatrical Tour." (Opens August 6th! Keep your 360 up!)

However, I must confess that I HAVE at times found myself wishing I had just a wee bit more time on my hands.

If I did, and this may or may not surprise you, I would absolutely be sitting (Yes, sitting!) and perhaps even lying (Reclining, not fabricating - You suspicious reader, you!) in my air conditioned apartment, sipping lime water (My current OBSESSION!) and reading the latest installment in the Potter saga.

I don't really feel like defending my love for the series right now, nor do I care to bond with other Potter fans. This is my blog, and it is about Walking, not books.

But! What I wanted to share with you, dear friends and associates, is this:

The main reason I love the Harry Potter books is that Hogwarts reminds me so much of the Blue Badge Academy, where I studied in London. The two are remarkably similar, except that at Hogwarts, the studies center around "Magic," whereas at BBA, the focus is on "Walking Tours." Oh, and also Hogwarts is pretty much a
high school.

In my dreams? An American Blue Badge Academy.

Just as traditional, just as rigorous, but with a more expansive, ambitious philosophy.

Gregory and I are the headmistresses.

At the helm, our Dumbledore: Lane Fulcrum. He's resurfaced. Old as the hills, but alive and kicking.

Okay, maybe not kicking.

Refusing to Wilt

I can't help but notice that the heat is making people nuts. Those who are already nuts get nuttier as it gets hotter (Please refer to today's post on the blog belonging to Gregory Deetz, my collaborator and childhood friend). Ditto for the malodorous and the impudent. The temperature goes up, and the m/i get stinkier/ruder. Personally, I relish the challenge of a sweltering June afternoon! Today was the perfect day to train for our upcoming tour. I beat my previous personal best for ASSS (Another Step Sans Stopping)! And the humidity gives my hair a welcome kink. It's enough to put me right into the Lane Lane.

Freedom

To share my inner-most thoughts with the world.